By Tahara DeBarrows, LMFT
A Journey to Healing Counseling, PLLC

Many men struggle with expressing their emotions, but for some, the challenge runs deeper than being “reserved” or not knowing what to say. This deeper challenge is called alexithymia — a difficulty identifying, understanding, and describing emotions.

Alexithymia isn’t a diagnosis or a disorder. It’s a way of processing emotions, and for many men, it develops due to trauma, early childhood environments, cultural expectations, or neurodivergence. Understanding this emotional pattern can help men strengthen relationships, improve communication, and feel more connected to themselves.

This blog will walk you through what alexithymia is, who it impacts, and what you can do if you or someone you love may be experiencing it.

What Is Alexithymia?

Alexithymia refers to a difficulty recognizing and describing emotions.
People with alexithymia often:

• Struggle to identify what they’re feeling
• Confuse emotions with physical sensations
• Have limited emotional vocabulary
• Prefer logic over emotion
• Feel overwhelmed during emotional conversations
• Say “I’m fine” or “I don’t know” because they genuinely don’t know

It’s important to understand:
👉 Alexithymia does NOT mean someone is cold, uncaring, or unemotional.
Most individuals with alexithymia feel deeply — they just don’t have the words to express it.

Many describe their emotional world as “blank,” “foggy,” or “blocked,” even though their body reacts strongly to stress or conflict.

Why Does Alexithymia Happen?

Alexithymia often develops because of environmental, relational, or neurological factors.

1. Childhood Emotional Neglect

Growing up in a home where emotions were ignored, criticized, or not modeled can lead to difficulties understanding feelings as an adult.

2. Trauma & Chronic Stress

Emotional shutdown becomes a survival response. When emotions were unsafe or overwhelming early in life, learning to disconnect became protective.

3. Gender & Cultural Conditioning

Many men were taught to be strong, suppress vulnerability, and stay stoic.
Over time, “don’t show feelings” can turn into “I can’t identify my feelings.”

4. Neurodivergence

People with ADHD or autism often experience differences in emotional processing, making emotional identification more complex.

5. Relationship History

Being in relationships where feelings were dismissed or punished can lead to emotional avoidance.

How Alexithymia Impacts Men’s Lives

Alexithymia can affect nearly every part of life — especially relationships.

In Relationships

• Difficulty expressing needs
• Trouble recognizing a partner’s emotions
• Shutting down during conflict
• Appearing distant or unavailable
• Misunderstandings that lead to arguments

Partners often describe feeling unheard or disconnected, while the alexithymic individual may feel confused or overwhelmed.

In Mental Health

Alexithymia is linked to:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Irritability or anger
• Emotional numbness or detachment
• Difficulty regulating emotions
• Physical symptoms like tightness, fatigue, or tension

Because emotions are hard to name, they often show up as body sensations instead.

In Parenting

Men with alexithymia may:

• Struggle to validate children’s feelings
• Default to problem-solving instead of connection
• Feel unsure how to respond to emotional needs

In Daily Functioning

• Difficulty making decisions
• Struggles with vulnerability
• Feeling disconnected from self or others
• Feeling misunderstood or judged

What To Do If You Recognize Alexithymia in Yourself or Your Partner

Alexithymia is not a life sentence — it’s a skill gap, and emotional skills can be learned.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Start With Body Awareness

Emotions often show up physically first.
Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel tension?
• What is my body trying to tell me?

Learning your body's emotional signals is the first step.

2. Build Emotional Vocabulary Slowly

Instead of forcing deep conversations, start small:

• Angry
• Sad
• Scared
• Happy
• Lonely
• Ashamed

Once these are familiar, you can add more nuanced emotions.

3. Replace “I Don’t Know” With Slower Processing

Try saying:

• “Give me a second to think.”
• “I feel something, I’m just not sure what yet.”

This reduces pressure and encourages emotional reflection.

4. Seek Therapy Designed for Emotional Awareness

Therapeutic approaches that are helpful include:

• Attachment-based therapy
• Trauma-informed therapy
• CBT mapping of thoughts–feelings–body
• Somatic work
• Mindfulness
• Emotion-focused couples therapy

A therapist can help identify emotional blocks and build emotional literacy.

5. Create a Supportive Environment in Relationships

Partners can help by:

• Asking curious, gentle questions
• Avoiding pressure or criticism
• Modeling how to name emotions
• Focusing on small wins
• Understanding that emotional awareness is a learning process

Alexithymia Is Not a Lack of Emotion — It’s a Lack of Language

Many men were never taught how to put feelings into words.
Alexithymia doesn’t mean someone is incapable of emotional depth — it means they need support, tools, and guidance to access it.

The good news?
With awareness, patience, and the right strategies, emotional understanding can grow.

If you or someone you love is struggling with emotional awareness, therapy can help you build the emotional map you never received.

Looking for Support?

At A Journey to Healing Counseling, PLLC, we help men and couples navigate emotional disconnect, strengthen communication, and build deeper connection.
If this blog resonates with you, consider scheduling a consultation or exploring therapy options on our website.